Writing a good memoir requires you to dive below the surface of what happened to you and when it happened. The simple and straightforward recounting of a period in your life is fine if the only people reading your book are your friends and family. But if you want a stranger to read your memoir, it should touch on deeper issues. In other words: you need a theme.

As a book coach, many of my clients have lived fascinating lives. Some of them have climbed mountains, won Olympic gold medals, been kidnapped, blown the whistle on unimaginable injustices, and made mind boggling amounts of money. One author started housing homeless people in his own living room. Another was a chauffeur for the Beatles.

They all have interesting stories to tell, but when they actually begin to write their memoir, they almost always make the same mistake. They think their story is about them. But it’s not — the story is actually about forgiveness. Or perseverance. Or acceptance, or learning to trust others, or believing in yourself, or fighting against impossible odds. Memoirs are actually about themes. If your readers can experience something deeper from your life story, they will spread the word about your book with the same fervour as describing an excellent meal at a very fine restaurant.

A theme makes your book relevant. Unless the reader has gone through something nearly identical to what you’re writing about, your story cannot create that crucial connection without a theme. Themes connect readers emotionally to the experiences you are writing about because, in most cases, they are universal. The determination that one required to make it to the top of Mt. Everest in a blinding snowstorm is the same kind of focus and commitment that might help a reader complete their Master’s degree at 47, or finish a home renovation gone awry. Themes create relatability between the disparate lives of the author and their diverse readership.

The challenge — as so many of my clients know — is that it can be difficult to step outside your experience and identify the themes that elevate your memoir. 

And that’s why I’m here to help. Here are five tried and true ways to identify and nurture powerful themes for your memoir or narrative nonfiction book:

1. Know What You’re Looking For

A theme is the main idea or underlying meaning a writer explores in a story. Simply telling a reader what happened does not mean you have explored a theme. You have to answer the question, “What is my story about?”

Your life story could have many themes. You must decide which ones are most important and how those themes will make the book more readable and engaging.

One of my clients is a nurse who is writing a memoir about a medical tragedy that unfolded during the 1990s. The nurses who tried to sound the alarm were ignored. The doctor at the centre of the story was misogynistic. The author has the chance to develop themes around the #MeToo movement, or explore how the treatment of nurses back then is similar to what they are dealing with in the pandemic. Those themes would be very relevant today — but to uncover them, she must go beyond just telling the story.

2. Separate & Analyze Your Memoir’s Scenes

Before you start writing, make a list of all the stories you want to tell. For now, treat each of them as a unique narrative with their own beginning, middle, and end. The list might look something like this:

• Difficult life growing up with neglectful parents;

• Quitting high school and running away with my boyfriend;

• Earning my GED and getting into law school;

• Finally passing the bar after three attempts;

• Leaving law and starting a nonprofit.

Now, look at each “episode” and determine the driving factors that made it so essential to your story. You can write down as many themes as you want for each scene — perhaps childhood was about the power of resilience and hope. Your teen years were a quest to discover who you are. Earning the GED and getting into law school felt like you were finally taking the reins of your life. The theme of sticking with your bar exams could be about the importance of never giving up. Leaving law meant making a difference mattered more than making a fortune. The goal is to make each episode or story within your memoir about something. These episodes may reveal sub-themes that will help identify the foundational driving force of your life.

3. Accentuate or Amalgamate

When reviewing your themes and sub-themes, one of them might jump out and feel like this is what your life is really all about. Or, it’s at least what you want your book to say your life is about.

Memoirs should tell the truth about what you experienced. But the author gets to decide what it means. In other words: you choose what themes to accentuate.

Maybe you feel like your life has been all about persevering and never giving up — like when you tried to pass the bar exam. If so, you can draw that theme out in the other scenes from your life. You can accentuate the challenges you faced that highlight how simply showing up for the battle one day after another was what, in the end, mattered more than anything else.

If you don’t want to accentuate one theme above the others, you can amalgamate two or more of the sub-themes to form a new and comprehensive meaning for your story. It’s like combining two metals to form an alloy. When you put copper and zinc together, you get brass. It’s not called “copper zinc”, because a completely new alloy is formed. When you combine life themes in a literary form, something like this happens as well. Someone who aggressively climbs the corporate ladder conquering obstacles and achieving goals (theme = “ambition”) only to feel emptiness at the pinnacle of success (theme = “disenchantment") can forge an amalgamated theme that might be called “be careful what you wish for.” The whole memoir could caution readers against the pursuit of fame and fortune and instead extol the virtues of a more humble and meaningful existence.

Accentuation and amalgamation are two extremely useful methods that can help you see the thematic forest, rather than the trees of “what happened”. You can’t expect the reader to do this work for you. They need help. Show them the way through narrowing your focus or combining your sub-themes.

4. Show, Don’t Tell

Novice authors will often broadcast their theme boldly and directly to the reader. They’ll blurt it right out in the introduction or first chapter:

“This memoir is about learning how to adapt to change no matter what life throws at you.”

That’s not great writing. You’re telling the reader what the theme is. It’s much preferable to “show” them your theme(s) by the ways in which you convey the story. You must write your memoir in a way that helps the reader feel your intended meaning.

In this case, the author would be better served by shaping their language to highlight the disruption they experienced, and focus on how they responded. In other words, show your lessons in action.

5. Use Carrots and Sticks 

Finally, the best way to make certain your reader understands your themes is to use a kind of literary reward and punishment.

When you are recounting an incident that sheds light on your desired theme, make sure there is a clear benefit (carrot) or negative consequence (stick) that you, as the protagonist, experience. If your theme is about “living fearlessly to live fully” and you’re writing about bungee jumping for the first time, there needs to be a positive payoff. The reward must be more than having fun (or emerging with an unbroken neck). You need to realize something about yourself, or be changed in a positive way. For example, the courage to throw yourself off a bridge spanning a canyon could give you the guts to ask for that promotion or quit that job and start your own business.

Many authors find identifying the themes of their memoir or nonfiction book can be a bit daunting. It should be. In many cases, we’re talking about the why of your life.

Don’t be dismayed. This aspect of the story of your life is crucial to connecting with your readers and giving your book the best chance to succeed. Stay with it. Often, you will have to test drive themes in the writing of your first draft to see how they feel. If it doesn’t ring true, then it isn’t the right theme. Dig deeper. Peel another layer from the onion skin and get closer to the core meaning of your memoir, of your life, so you can engage and inspire your readers.