Writing Helped Mikaela Brewer Find Her Voice — Now She's Giving Basketball Another Shot
Trigger warning: This blog post discusses mental health, depression, and suicide. If it's the right time for you, we invite you to read and engage with this story.
Team Canada and Division 1 NCAA basketball player. Stanford class of 2020 human biology graduate. Novelist.
Mikaela Brewer is a multi-hyphenate whose bio reads like that of a superhero’s real life alter ego. Only Mikaela Brewer actually is a hero – though perhaps not for the reasons you might expect.
In 2017, during her freshman year at Stanford, the depression that had dogged Mikaela since childhood spiraled out of control, nearly costing her her life, basketball career, and all that she had worked so hard to achieve.
Today, Mikaela Brewer is a mental health advocate, using her writing abilities to bravely open a destigmatizing conversation about depression. Drawing directly from her personal experiences battling mental illness, she’s sharing stories of progress and hope aimed at helping those who might be struggling like she was in winter of 2017.
The act of writing has been a pivotal element of Mikaela’s recovery, allowing her to find her voice and confidence at a time when both were at low. All her growth has culminated in the publication of The Sifting Project, her debut ‘neuroscience fiction’ novel about two brothers, whose Second World War-era research into memory and the afterlife falls into the wrong hands.
We spoke with Mikaela on September 10th (World Suicide Prevention Day) to learn more about the many inspirations behind The Sifting Project, how writing helped her heal, and why she’s now planning a return to competitive basketball.
Where did your debut science fiction novel, The Sifting Project, begin?
It’s a really interesting story, actually! I've always loved writing and I wrote off and on throughout childhood. And I loved [writing] in high school, too. After basketball kind of took over my life and most of my time, I didn't write as much as I wanted to — until I got to university. I had an opportunity to minor in creative writing alongside my major, which was human biology. Two polar opposite [disciplines], but I knew that I loved writing and I was like, "You know what? Let's try and make this work."
I was writing short stories (mostly for the minor) when I came across a class in my senior year that was novel writing intensive. I thought, "How am I going to balance this with basketball and everything else?" But I figured having the guidance of some incredible professors (and some structure too, with it being a class where the only project was to finish a novel), I just dove into it. I actually ended up writing the first draft of The Sifting Project my senior fall. The class ran from September to December and was structured around National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) in November, so my first draft was written in 30 days.
I don't know if I ever actually had a moment where I set out to write a book before that class.
How did you feel about your first NaNoWriMo experience?
It was tough and a bit hectic, but it was fun. A lot of writing on airplanes on the way to basketball games. The first draft was right around 50,000 words — relatively short, but [the manuscript] ended up being longer after I wrote more drafts afterwards.
I'd never heard of NaNo until taking that class, but I think it's such a cool, fun way to build a novel writing community worldwide.
Did your major in human biology end up informing the science fiction backdrop for this book?
Absolutely. What ultimately allowed me to shape the story was the fact that I loved both science and art equally. I was trying to figure out how they were connected, and how they could be connected in a story. I started thinking about this act of observation very similar — whether it's in the rigidity of science or the fluidity of art. It's kind of the same process [of observing the world], and that was kind of what ended up shaping the science fiction part of the story, the characters, and the whole idea of memory being passed on generationally. My passion and interest in human biology definitely shaped the story.
Was there any one moment that specifically inspired The Sifting Project, aside from concepts and things that you were learning in school?
There was. There's kind of two sides to this — I'm going to give my mom full credit here, who kind of came up with the title one day. She was saying it would be really cool if we could sift through people's memories, or memories of the past. I was like, "Hmm, that's interesting." So I started thinking about that.
The other side of the story, too, is for me personally, as somebody diagnosed with depression, one of the side effects that I sometimes experience is memory loss. I have this embedded fear of forgetting things and not solidifying memories and being able to return to them. So I really liked that idea of being able to go back and sift through memories that you didn't know you had, or memories from other people and other people that have influenced you. That's where the initial idea started to take shape. For some of the more tricky neuroscience-y parts, I definitely drew on biology for that.
When you rediscovered writing in university, what was that experience like for you? What does writing mean to you now?
That's a really good question. I think writing has allowed me to use my voice in a different way. One of the running jokes on my basketball team is that I whisper everything I say. I'm pretty quiet on the court and kind of one of those " lead by example" types — as best I can. I'm not very vocal. My confidence is able to come out a bit more in my writing. I've definitely felt that shift back and forth. During the more confident periods of my basketball career, I wrote less. And during the less confident periods of my basketball career, I wrote more.
I think it's just my voice finding different ways to surface and come out. I tend to write through a lot of the things I experience — whether I publish them or not — and that just helps me figure things out. It also helps me determine what my voice is and what I want to advocate for and speak openly about. Writing is just the medium that fits me really well.
You've been open and have published pieces on Medium about your mental health challenges, and are now a self-described advocate. Why is this cause so important to you?
My own experiences with mental illness have definitely shaped that, specifically with how it impacted what I thought the rest of my life was going to look like.
Going into university, I had this set plan. I was going to play basketball, and I was maybe going to play professionally, and had all of these goals and plans. It shocked me how much something like depression can just rock your plans. I had some really, really dark experiences and I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt. Reflecting on all of that and how I was able to get through it led me to a point where I thought, "I've got to try and talk about this more, in the event that other people really need to feel like they aren't alone."
And there's a paradox there: you're not alone, but no two stories are the same, either. I really just wanted to share as much as I could with the writing ability that I have to try to reach people and help them see that they're not alone in those experiences. There's other people out there who are experiencing the same thing.
We’re speaking today on World Suicide Prevention Day. What might you say to someone reading this who may be struggling?
I would first say, first and foremost: you're not alone.
Second: there's a lot of messaging related to suicide prevention and suicidality that says, "You're needed” and “The world is a better place with you in it." I think both of those statements are true and good to hear and they can mean a lot, for sure. It feels really good to be needed and loved and wanted. But I think there's a flip side of that too, where the world has to be a better place for the person struggling too. The struggling person has to be given what they need — regardless of how much that person is needed [by their loved ones].
I would say to make sure that you're getting what you need from the world as much as it needs you, and figure out where those gaps are in your life. There's definitely people who love you who can help you figure that out, because you don't have to do it alone. It's hard work, but you don't have to do it alone.
Here are a few links to some great resources:
On Medium, you recently wrote that “Writing a fiction book allowed me to go places that a memoir can’t go.” Can you elaborate on that statement? How did your science fiction setting and characters allow you to explore other parts of your own self and psyche?
It allowed me to bring out some of the things that I have experienced and think about, but in other people — which kind of builds that connectedness [to others].
Suddenly I could create characters that had experienced similar things to myself — mostly internally, since the story's primarily set in the 1940s and 70s. I was able to really dig into that and feel that connection to other people via these fictional characters, and I think that's something that's really interesting and unique to fiction, versus simply telling your own story.
In addition to being an author, you’ve played basketball at an incredibly high level for Stanford and Team Canada. Did your hooping career prepare you for this next chapter in any way?
Discipline is the first thing that kind of comes to mind, and work ethic. Being an athlete allows you to go places physically that are extremely hard to go to, and I think that I built up confidence knowing that I could really, really challenge myself and that it would be okay. On the court, if you make a mistake, you’ve got to move on. You have to be kind of mentally tough in that way and not get hung up on misstepping. It's very much trusting the process and continuously growing, building, and learning.
All of those transferable skills definitely float into writing a book. Especially writing the first draft — making sure that you just get it on paper.
What are you most proud of regarding this book and the writing journey you’re on?
My honesty, and how I've been able to see my confidence building back up. The past five years have been really, really tough, as I've battled through some very dark mental health moments. Feeling myself come into my voice and confidence again, and talking about some of those really hard things — yeah, I’m really proud of that.
What’s next for Mikaela Brewer, bookwise and basketball-wise?
I'm so grateful because lots of amazing things are happening. With writing, I would love to write a second book. I don't know when that would happen, but definitely in the plans at some point. Right now I'm primarily working on content creation with Time Out, which is a mental health app for athletes. I'm so excited about that and to be able to write some things for them.
Basketball-wise, I am planning on competing again overseas starting in September 2022. I have a year to get my sorry self back in shape and start playing, and practicing, and training, which I'm about a month into now. I'm really excited to play and try this whole basketball thing again, with a new mindset and some learning and some growth.
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The Sifting Project is available now.
Click here for links to Mikaela’s writings on mental health and more about the book.